Local Revision: Wordiness

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Original Paragraph

Flint, the cold climate city located in Genesee County around 60 miles north of Detroit that was “once a powerhouse of automobile production”, had been devastated by deindustrialization lasting decades(wsnws.org). The deindustrialization of Flint has led the city to a higher rate of poverty and the city to financial trouble, with a $30 million deficit (source). In 2013, Governor of Michigan Rick Snyder appointed emergency manager Darnell Earley to the city of Flint in order to help the city cut back on costs in an effort to alleviate the city off of financial struggles. The emergency manager is an official handpicked from the political vines by Governor Rick Snyder himself who is sent to a city in financial debt. While emergency managers are appointed to a city, the local officials of the city are sucked off of their political powers due to the emergency managers being present… shout out to Public Act 4 of Michigan for providing emergency managers with this power (Michigan Radio). At the time, Flint had already been purchasing its water from the city of Detroit for more than forty years. The price for the water was pretty hefty at around $12 million a year (the atlantic). The emergency manager of Flint realized that if there could be a way to stop buying that expensive Detroit water, the financially troubled city could save some serious cash. So the city of Flint and other regions in Genesee County getting water from Detroit decided to switch its source of water by agreeing in early 2014 to use a pipeline called the Karegnondi Water Authority, or KWA (the atlantic). There was one problem: the KWA pipeline would not be completely constructed from Lake Huron to mid-Michigan until 2016(atlantic?).

      After

Flint, the cold climate city located in Genesee County around 60 miles north of Detroit that was “once a powerhouse of automobile production”, had been devastated by deindustrialization lasting decades(wsnws.org). The deindustrialization of Flint has led the city to financial trouble, with a $30 million deficit (source). In 2013, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder appointed emergency manager Darnell Earley to the city of Flint in order to help the city in an effort to alleviate the city of financial struggles. The emergency manager is an official handpicked from the political vines by Governor Rick Snyder himself who is sent to a city in financial debt. While emergency managers(EM) are appointed to a city, the local officials of the city are powerless as the EM takes the majority of control over local government  (Michigan Radio). At the time, Flint had already been purchasing its water from the city of Detroit for more than forty years. Flint was paying around $12 million a year for their water (the atlantic). Earley realized that if there could be a way to stop buying that expensive Detroit water, Flint could save some serious cash. So the city of Flint and other regions in Genesee County getting water from Detroit decided to switch its source of water by agreeing in early 2014 to use a pipeline called the Karegnondi Water Authority, or KWA (the atlantic). There was one problem: the KWA pipeline would not be completely constructed from Lake Huron to mid-Michigan until 2016(atlantic).

I would say the rewritten material is slightly more formal than the original works and it easier on the eyes since it is shorter.

Peer Review 2

My oh my I could not find another essay outside my class....oh dear. Oh well, nothing shall stop be.....too much as I intend to help others in the fight for peer review, advising and revisionist  justice!

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I reviewed Emily Bond's podcast  here and reviewed Rigoberto Avila's QRG here.

1. What did you learn about your own project (or the project in general) by comparing drafts of the same project in different genres?

Although I could not find an essay draft outside my class, I will say that in terms of presenting content from the two drafts I review, I will say I need to add more of my flavor into my own essay. I need to make it a bit more entertaining and thrilling to read because I did not get bored reviewing the drafts that I did.

2. I want you to plan on doing revision between now and our next class meeting on Tuesday. Tell me the top three issues or problems with your draft in its current form and what you plan on doing over the weekend to address those issues.

My top 3 issues are : I need to be more explicit in who my stakeholders are, add events which occurred around the same time my controversy did and how it could connect to the controversy and adding more to the timeline of events. Over the weekend, I plan on investigating more into my stakeholders and polishing the chronological order of my paper.

3. Tell me the top three strengths of your draft. How/why are these things strengths? How will you build on them to make the rest of the draft as strong?

I think my draft is strong in explaining terms , helping readers visualize situations and the narration of the controversy. These things are strengths I think because it's what sticks out the most to me when I revise my draft and I will build on these to help make the college essay more explicit yet entertaining at the same time.

Peer Review 1

For my Project 1 peer review, I reviewed Ben Macklin's rough draft (rubric can be found here).

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 Ben's rough draft on the topic of Lumosity was interesting. His draft made me think about the lack of vivid description of the stakeholders that my project needs. I think my chronological structure of telling my controversy is on the right track but might need just a few tweaks. 

In Ben's rough draft, I noticed that he sort of lacked some significant events which were occurring around the time of the Lumosity controversy. Also, Ben I don't think was that direct on the impact of the environment on which this controversy occurred (maybe I missed it, or the environment is the digital world having a key in this controversy mainly). 

What I found interesting about Ben's draft was his use of hyperlinks to send you to a piece of evidence of the controversy. That was exciting to come across and also, I am inspired by Ben to vividly add more description into the "why" of the stakeholders in my controversy as he did in his.

Draft of Project 1

Hello peers, I want you to know that this rough draft is my attempt to write the essay based purely on memory of all the sources I have gathered collectively for this paper and is more of a detailed outline if you will. In post-production I will rewrite to accommodate to the sources that I have gathered, thank you.

Rough Draft

Water: one of the basic necessities for human life. Every human life, especially in America, has the right to basic necessities for living. What could possibly get in the way of pure water? Politics. In Flint, Michigan there is a crisis that has been going for more than a year over a natural resource found in every human body. The current water source of the city of Flint, the Flint River, has high levels of lead and other toxins that have poisoned thousands of Flint residents and children. Since back in 2013 suspicion on the safety of the water had risen among concerned residents and experts yet, government officials kept telling the people to "relax" and to continue consuming the falsely promoted safe Flint River water. Now, how did Flint Michigan end up in a state of emergency over a crisis of a natural resource? Let's wind the clocks back about two years.

In early 2013, Governor Rick Snyder's state officials appointed emergency managers to the city of Flint in order to help the city cut back on costs since Flint was in financial debt. What did this mean? It meant cutting back anywhere in the branches of the city government expenses, including their water resource. At the time, Flint would get its water from the city of Detroit through a pipeline (which Detroit got the water from the Great Lake of Heron). The price to pump the water however, was a bit costly for the city of Flint and therefore, emergency manager of Flint Darnell Earley signed into affect in late 2013 the decision for Flint to build its own pipeline to the Lake of Heron that which would finish being constructed until 2016. In the meantime, the city would terminate its contract with Detroit's water system and get their own water from the nearby Flint River.

On April 25th, 2014 the city of Flint, Michigan officially shut off the pipeline connected to Detroit and was now using Flint River water. Over the course of the next months, concerns immediately began to rise from residents of the city. People were reporting rashes, foul stench from the water they were using and the water was reportedly brownish or orange. The Michigan Department of Environmental Quality reported to the Flint residents "to relax" and the water was safe to drink.

For months researchers from Virginia Tech were examining the lead levels in Flint's water and it got to the point where these researchers began to make their results public and donate water filters to the community of Flint. Soon after the rising questioning of the water, one local Flint woman brought the truth to light once and for all: Dr. Mona Hanna-Attisha. Hanna-Attisha, a pediatrician of the Hurley Center Hospital near Flint, Michigan; announced her report on the inceasing levels of lead in children's blood before and after the switch to the Flint River water in September 2015. The results indicated an increase of about 6% in lead in the bloodstreams of the youth of Flint. These results caused a Public Health state of emergency claim in Genesse County. 

The immediate release of her information caused state public health officials to disclaim the pediatrician's report....until they double checked their claims and confirmed her numbers to be true. The crisis caught the attention of national news and by December 2015, the city of Flint declared a state of emergency and soon after, Federal government aid came to the rescue,a little too late to reverse the health damages done to the citizens of Flint.

The Time Period

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The following are some news that occurred around the same time as some significant things in the Flint water crisis like in December 2015 when Flint declared a state of emergency or in April 2014 when Flint switched the water supply.

Local: Troopers stopping Pitbull Attack (December 15, 2015).
Michigan's first December tornado (December 2015)

National: The Powerball (April 25th, 2014).
Los Angeles schools close after email threat (December 2015)

Global: Guinea declared Ebola free of virus (December 2015)
Bombing in Syria (May 2014)

On a local level, in Michigan there has been plenty of local crimes occurring as well as natural disasters occurring around the state from April 2014 on forward. On a national level, many things are occurring with terrorism and the powerball is becoming attention to the media. On a global scale, the nation is dealing with epidemics such as ebola and bombings in the middle east such as Syria which is an absolute tragedy.

The Setting

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The main setting of this entire controversy is set in the city of Flint, Michigan in the United States. Flint is typically very cold throughout the year; it is typically snowing and being a big city, you can hear the sounds of traffic downtown and the silence of the poverty of the neighborhoods in the suburbs. Flint, Michigan has plenty of history, having once been a powerhouse for the industrialization era in the United States. They are associated with the origin of General Motors and the car industry in America. Flint has plenty of abandoned building where companies would be located at, specifically manufacturing companies. There are parts of Flint where you can see worn down homes due to the recession of 2008 driving people out on the street. It is usually grim lit throughout the town since the weather is typically cloudy. You will unlikely feel the ray from the Sun shun down on your skin for more than two hours consecutively since it’s usually blocked out by the clouds in the sky. The plants around the city are sometimes dead due to the weather. There are some marvelous buildings to gaze upon and in some parts of the city you can smell the Flint River and see it run down its stream. People will be walking down the streets of Flint, Michigan wearing warm clothing. Right now though, you will probably see people waiting in line outside shelters or service centers where the National Guard will be handing out packets of water bottles for the people to consume to stay healthy.

Stakeholder #3

1. Can you describe this stakeholder in 200-250 words? If they're an individual, vividly describe how they look, what they wear, how they move. Tell us how they sound, how they talk, what their mannerisms are. Conjure them in our mind's eye, by appealing to at least THREE of our FIVE senses. If the stakeholder is an insitution or group, then describe the institution and how it appears in the world. How do people encounter this group or institution, digitally or physically? Describe their website or headquarters or something else that physically represents the group to the world at large.

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Governor Rick Snyder is a middle aged Caucasian, conservative governor of the state of Michigan. He speaks English with an American accent. He is very rosy pink in complexion like a strawberry flavored candy button and he has fluffy white hair that is combed slightly too perfect. As an elected official, he dresses very professional with a dark, black suit and collar shirt and a very, formal tie. Governor Rick Snyder has a somewhat long face and big ears. '

 His eyes appear to be slightly greenish with a hint of blue with the bags usually associated with any leader who is being put under the spotlight by the media for having some of his people in jeopardy under his watch. Yet, if you were to find him at a local Costco, you would not second guess he is the governor of anything. His voice is somewhat deep, but yet hat a hint of lightness in it. Being a politician, Rick Snyder sits up straight, makes hand gestures that are affirmative and come to light whenever he is making a point on something that he is saying. There is a sense of honesty in his voice. He looks like he would give you a firm handshake.

2. Can you identify THREE specific claims being made by this stakeholder? The claims should be public and about the specific story you're investigating. Provide direct quotes for three different claims or ideas made in public by this stakeholder. Each quote sould be clearly hyperlinked to the original source.

"Government failed you at the federal, state and local level," Snyder said. "We need to make sure this never happens again in any Michigan city."

"To begin, I'd like to address the people of Flint. Your families face a crisis, a crisis you did not create and could not have prevented," Snyder said. "I am sorry and I will fix it."

"It's not about just moving money," he says. "This is a case of a handful of government officials making extremely poor decisions that had massive consequences for people. This raises a cultural question. Most government employees are great people. They work really hard. But there are places where people were following kind of the letter of the federal lead and copper rule far too literally and not in the appropriate fashion that led to this."



3. Can you explain how valid these claims are? Objectively, how much weight do these claims carry?

How credible are they? Be specific. Think about how poorly or successfully the stakeholder cites FACTS, plays on our EMOTIONS, or presents themself as a CREDIBLE actor in the debate.
Most of these claims are spot on. He is clearly being straight forward and claiming full responsibility.

4. Can you explain how these claims are similar and/or different to the other stakeholders? Be clear and precise - does this stakeholder have anything in common with others involved in the debate?

Who do they have the least in common with? Why?
They are similar in the sense that he is admitting that something did go wrong with government on this, but at the same time, he is not addressing who actually caused this and how much he knew about the situation in Flint, even though he was the one that sent emergency managers over to Flint to inevitably cause this water crisis.